I said…

This has happened to me twice in the last couple of weeks.

I’ve mentioned I drive Ortega Hwy. every day.

I’ve mentioned a certain dislike for the rookies. This is why.

The rookies don’t know how fast things happen on this road. Like, we can be cruising along at 50 MPH or so when suddenly, a large truck could be pulling over or DRASTICALLY slowing down for a corner. Which then causes the entire line to suddenly slow or stop. You kinda have to pay attention and be on your toes.

Well, the asshat rookies, I shall call them chevGuy and hondaGrrl, have a thing for tailgating it would seem. First offender? hondaGrrl. For almost 3 miles this dumb ass decides that the MINI would look better if an Honda’s hood was protruding from the boot. She was right on my ass the entire time. I would speed up, she would speed up. I would hit the brakes, she would fall waaaay back, then speed up and resume her position on my ass. Fearing another accident, I just got out of her way. You know, she was in a way bigger hurry than me and getting that extra inch closer to the car 15 places up was important to her. Nice thing was that she repeated it with the next car she got behind.

Then there is dumb ass chevGuy. He was a special kind of asshat in that not only did he think it was necessary to ride 4 inches off of the back end of my car, but he was swerving in the lane at the same time, like he was trying to warm up those 14″x2.5″ tires or something. Same thing with this cat, I’d speed up, he’d speed up. But, when I slowed down, he hung right there off my back. Almost like a real life verson of Zuma*.

To the both of you I say BACK THE FUCK OFF. THERE ARE 20 CARS AHEAD OF ME, AND PUSHING AGAINST MY REAR BUMPER WILL NOT MAKE THAT DUMB FUCK PULL OVER OR GET YOU HOME ANY FASTER TO STUPID PILE OF CRAP! NEXT TIME I WILL HIT THE BRAKES SO HARD YOU WILL SLAM INTO THE BACK OF THE MINI AND CAREEN OFF THE MOUNTAIN AND DIE!

What? That a little strong? Well tough shit. At the very least I know that if you hit the back end of the MINI, my bumper will break and that’s about it. The entire front end of your car will be smashed to such an extent that not only will it not be driveable, but there is a good chance your car will be totalled in the process. As an added bonus, it will be your fault so your insurance rates will go up so high that you will be forced to spend the next 7 years riding a bus you fucking retard!

I’m just saying, keep back a little, ok? Like, if you can’t see my rear tires, there is a pretty good chance that you are maybe just a little too close.

*Cool game, too bad you have to have IE/Win to play it.

By Don

Lead bottle washer at donburnside.com, host at whiteroofradio.com and tech guru for the MotoringFile family of sites.

1 comment

  1. Ahhh yesss.. the joys of driving in traffic! I love it when they do that to me and try to pass me to get ahead… then somewhere down the road I pass them. Or better yet, they get pulled over for a ticket! Those little battles we have with people on the road. I like to laugh as they drive by. When they’re angry, you KNOW they’re going to look at you like YOU were the idiot behind the wheel. I just face forward and laugh and maybe scratch my ear with my middle finger… If they’re gonna look, I might as well give them something to see. It’s not my intention to fill them with rage… but if it happens, it’s out of my control… 😉

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